Sunday, October 23, 2005

Stuck and kids on the block?

Someday, somehow I have to go through Michael's clothes. It is so odd to look at them...without him in them...the shirts I liked better on him (because they were his "color.") We worry about what we wear...we have our "comfort" know, the ones What Not to Wear would feature should we ever be chosen to be humiliated in front of millions of people. As much as I would have probably joined in the comentary on them, they're now MY comfy clothes.

I was out and about in my own comfy clothes...not having slept well...I looked like I was from MARS...glad that surely no one would recognize me...unless they were from MARS also...anyway, I was thinking that those boxes that one can put together, the ones that have the lids, they would be a good thing to use to sort through things. I can pack some things away to sort at a later time...when the emotions aren't so overpowering.

I went to a new office supply store and these particular boxes were not where the other boxes were. So, being female (sorry...just thought it was fun to add), I asked where I might find the desired item. The helpful lady showed me a "sale" of 4 of the boxes right in the entryway, but took me to the area where there are a few different varieties. I noticed right next to this box area that there was another item which I was in the market for but I needed to ask some questions about it. The lady assured me someone would be along to help me. I stood there staring at the boxes...kind of like a dodo bird.

When we lived in England we used to have this glass dodo bird which was filled with a colored liquid that would move from one end of the bird to the other. When it filled up one side it would become unbalanced and turn back up and the process would start all over. When I convinced myself that I only needed 4 boxes, I would turn to the boxes of 8 and 10. When I convinced myself that 10 would be good...I could use them in Michael's office, too...I turned back to the 4 because I really didn't need to spend the money on 10. After a while I just stood there staring...motionless on the outside with a storm inside. I could say I was just waiting for a sales person to come answer my questions about the other merchandise, but I was really just "stuck."

No one ever came...and time was passing like a greyhound running it's last race. I chose the box of 10 (those who know my frugality would possibly be quite proud of me.) The checkout lady asked if I found everything I needed and I said "Yes, but no one ever came to answer questions about the other item." She was very apologetic...long story short...she rang up a ticket that gave me 10 boxes for the "sale" price of the 4 boxes at the front of the store. I didn't complain, things like that happen...but I guess she wants me to come back.

Will there just be some things in life on which we just get "stuck?" Maybe we just need to let go before there is no more time. What's it worth? A couple of extra bucks? More random thoughts. I suppose I shared this...grateful for the blessing of not spending too much...but also to show how sometimes the thoughts of a grieving person are just random...and to let you have a peek at a "stuck" time. (These are very normal....unless they get to know you by name in the box section.)

Part 2--NEED

This whole entry just shows the randomness of thoughts and the extremes. I was having trouble going to sleep. I had been doing okay in that area. So, I read a book...The Second Summer of the Traveling Pants. I was getting ready to put the book down when this statement hit me. One of the girls said she didn't learn (whatever) this summer, but she did learn to "need" someone else. I felt like I was blindsided and socked in the gut. Learning to NEED. The damn broke. I felt like my whole chest was being turned inside out; vacuumed from the outside in. "Isn't it elementary to need?" I thought.

My journey, now 5 months 1 week, has been like a shuttle launch. There's the shuttle all clean and waiting, the scafolding tucked nicely around her, then, almost without warning, controlled from outside her, the engines begin to roar and the scafolding falls away. She was thrust into the air--barely able to breathe...thousands of people watching every move--there are human
heart(s) in that space ship. I feel hurtled through the atmosphere at break neck speed--in control, but not--having to trust the ground control...enduring the "G" forces...hmmmmm.

After a while a jolt brings the craft to a floating place. "You should see the view from up here." (Ironic statements..LOOONNNNGGG thoughts.) Gaining perspective, communicating with the many watching. They're not so worried now--the craft is in space. The "human factor" is carrying out experiments, etc.

I 'see' the word NEED again. Do I know what it means to NEED someone? Not just on paper, but to show them, to demonstrate...Do I know what it means to NEED God? How much do I need Him? Intellectually I know the answer...everything in me to the core of my being needs Him...but do I live that out? Does that transforming truth come out in my life?

Cazowee--the shuttle is headed back to earth--my sobbing almost sounds backward. Going through the atmoshperic layer (sorry NASA) I understand there is fire. Are my heat shields all in tact? Can I withstand it? I literally felt as though I was being sucked inside out as I cried.

The room was dark except for the clock. 2:47. Another light...indicated the alarm was set. 18 years ago...right around this time in the night...I was on my way to the hospital to have my first baby. Michael was there for me, with me. I needed him. Who's watching now as the shuttle screams toward the earth--it's GOT to be piloted NOW. God, I need You to take over. Space took it's toll. To need You without all the people watching. What do I need???? Am I so prideful that I don't let people know I need them? Or, does my needing it based on what they can contribute to/for me? Have I been so independent in my thinking that my need for others is not about their personhood? Is that why I like individual sports...because the win is about MY abilities?

My first child arrived. He needed me. I don't know where to go from here....still waiting for the landing....I'm stuck again. The speed is slowing down...I'm beginning to see familiar sights of where I live...temporarily...
For my home is in heaven and I need to rest...for now...

I'm so tired. Chalk up the worst night of crying... Deeply grateful for all the recent keep life moving forward. Last of the birthdays tomorrow...I guess it's today. I emptied 2 boxes of "junk." "The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love." Psalm 147:11

Clinging to Him, needing you,
Annie B.


At 1:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love you, Annie.


At 11:49 AM, Anonymous sofjok said...


Your writing is incredible!

I wish it wasn't inspired by pain, but only by your love for God.

It does seem to be how we learn to reach into our deepest emotions and ability to trust....

You are someone who would understand where my brother's mind goes everyday...except he never gets to rest or find peace with our Lord; and there are some humans he would like to eliminate because of the pain they have caused Patrice.

Thank you for sharing your blog site with me.

I love you.

Sue Harris

At 5:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, Annie. I'm still getting so much out of reading each of your entries. It's a blessing to me & I greatly appreciate your continued openess & willignness to be so very real and honest. I'm thinking of you today.



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