Ideal Neat Freak

I got a 3 1/2 hour nap a couple of days ago. Guess I needed that. My children must have known, too. They were extraordinarily quiet...sometimes that's okay!

I'm not a neat freak. My mom likes to tell me that I am a "frustrated type A." In my ideal world I would love to have things orderly--you know--in the place where you expect them to be. (Yes, you can complete the next sentence...) People...where you expect them to be...

Right now piles are ideal. Just put things where I can, where it's easy. I'm tired. Michael's diplomas STILL sit in the chair in the bedroom. What do I do with them? It's pointless to put them at the church--it wouldn't be fair to whoever God leads there down the road. Maybe there is a place here...not much wall space. My oldest doesn't want a 'shrine.' But, Michael was my hero...my best friend next to Jesus. To pack the diplomas away makes me feel he is a non-person...just a part of history.

I've been reading parts of his story--from his (recent) journal. His emotional anguish over the mental illness of his adoptive mother (now deceased) and it's effect on him is heart-wrenching. Unwrapping, peeling the layers of that 'onion' amidst ministry and family. It wasn't ideal for him.

Life does dish harsh realities, but is that God's ideal plan? I am so under a pile (I see a theme here) with the human pain of my loss, my children's loss, your loss, your griefs besides Michael...it is hard to step back and see the larger reality of hope, of a new day, attempting to make a difference in the world...(with the sting of realizing it will have to be a story...plan...without my Michael...)

He was my Abe Lincoln--a story man--an emancipator for so many people. Celebrating who people were/are...to embrace their lives...to see the wonder of the Creator...the One who set the stars in the sky and called them by name. The One who loves us with an everlasting love. He wants us to spend eternity with Him--

Now that's IDEAL.

Our Pastor made a comment about God's love on Sunday. He said, "The love of God compels us to meet Christ at the cross." What do we do there...embrace the Truth?...return to the things that bring us "comfort?" Stand afraid because we feel like we have to forgive someone first?...Look for our own way?

I don't know what to say right now except that I am compelled to meet God at the cross...to embrace His love says I have to accept His suffering for me in order to get through my own because it is He that will carry me through this pain to the other side....to life...to hope. If I don't have Him, then I don't have anything...zippo...NOTHING...zilch... that is guaranteed to be at my side passing through this waterfall of tears...tears that tear and push me down into the water...where stones are polished smooth like glass...

Is it simply my world, my pain? No, I see yours. I read about yours--new health issues, new(er) deaths, new trials...the picture grows. We really do come to a crossroads in life... Someone Bigger than all these events in our lives. Someone who created order (hallelujah).

Do you think God is a neat freak? We've sure made a mess of things. I see His order--the stars are in the same place every night--hey, I saw a falling star this past week...wow...speechless. (me?) If He is a God of order, is it logical that He sees/knows a way out for me through this difficult season in my life? In my family's life? I believe He does. I believe He IS. I believe He is my hope.

Hope I can cling to.

Now THAT is IDEAL.

Trying to allow my grief to be what it is...NOT neat...
Annie B.

P.S. I've said I will share some of Michael's stories. Pray as I process the piles and discover the treasures.