Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Identity Theft

Scary. Who are you? Who am I? How we define ourselves can be very personal. May 14th, 2005 I realized it was God in whom I believed, in Whom was my identity. He was there for me. THAT is an identity no one can steal. Satan tries, but he already lost. Said good-bye to another saint today. His wife is a testimony of faithfulness in her gentle care of Charlie for 6 years. They were a team…pretty incredible.

Some days I linger on the question of who I am…for so long I was “one” with another human. Now that identity is captured in memories…and stuff. The stuff gets overwhelming sometimes, but it is kind of a tangible reminder of the essence of the memories…the feelings, the muddy shoes, the box-in-the-attic-from-who-knows-where. I am finding myself wide awake and it is midnight. I’ve been having good dreams and sleeping fairly well. I threw away my wedding bouquet yesterday and a frog that ‘ribbets’ when one passes by. It was quite mute.

I was thankful the stars were visible tonight. There is a storm coming. The stars remind me of God’s order…they’re in the same place tonight. What would people do if tomorrow night all the stars were rearranged? Can you just imagine the conversations? I can just imagine a B.C. comic character up there with an arrow on a figure of a tablet with the words I AM.

Closing in on two years. It hardly seemed possible to make it to the one year mark. At some point I think we (widows/widowers) find ourselves back on the treadmill and screaming to get off sometimes when the waves hit. I had to introduce myself tonight…to someone I thought knew who I was…or who Michael was. Who am I? I was accepted. That is nice. No explanations necessary, but...nevermind. Is this new me okay?

I have a lot to share with you. I have really kept this blog about my grief journey and I am learning about many of yours. God keeps teaching me sooo much. Along the way here in this last year, God did something I didn’t expect, at least so soon. He’s brought a special someone into my life. It wasn’t expected for the gentleman, either. Yes, it takes emotional energy, but it doesn’t fix the journey I will be on for the rest of my life. Having this new friend doesn’t change my identity…it only reminds me in Whom my identity must rest. I am most imperfect and my friend would agree. He is the same…just wanting to know Jesus better.

I don’t know your identity unless you let me know you’re a reader. I hope that allows you to feel safe. This is just my journey, but I do hope in sharing it with you that you see a real person living real life. I really need you in my life. I need to know you miss Michael, too. He was pretty funny. No one can steal his identity. Our youngest laughed at a recent email from the Entertainment Book people, “Michael, for $35 would you come back….” Ha. Priceless moments. Hugs from a middle-schooler…one still searching for his identity.

Knowing Whose I am,
p.s. please pray for my friend whose husband just walked out and left her and the kids. Pray for the war on this man’s heart.


At 6:20 AM, Blogger Dan and Pat said...

My dear, dear Annie, I was having trouble with my browser and had lost the bookmark to your blog for a few months. So this morning I read two of your entries. You are such a wonderful example to me of God's grace and the harsh realities of working through grief--while trying to help your kids be "normal" (what is that, anyway?). No wonder you have no margins :-). Your faithfulness, your clinging to the Lord for your needs--is so YOU. And it teaches me.
And I am very excited that God has also brought someone into your life. What a blessing.
Much love, Pat Lee


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