Wednesday, July 26, 2006

The Contemplation


Sometimes I don't understand the timing of when I put up a new blog. While I had this one for a while, the end wasn't done. I even tried to put it up while I was away....wasn't able to get it to it. So, for whatever it is today. This is a new day given to us by our Creator. Pretty amazing. Made it through yesterday. I don't know how many people are reading this blog, but if you remember from the first one, my goal is to be real. This blog helps me to process thoughts and feelings in MY grief journey. We are all wired differently, but if you are one trying to understand a grieving person, or knew Michael, or are grieving yourself and this sharing helps you, then praise God! I do not presume to be some eloquent writer who can fix all the grieving that people are going through, but I hope I can help people understand that we do need to talk about grief. Loss and death are a part of life and the bigger reality is that there is a greater issue at stake: where will I spend eternity? That question has to be dealt with here on earth. There is not other "drop down set of choices," no multiple choice set of answers...even for good test-takers.

I have deep heart ache for 2 dear friends that have lost grandchildren in the past week. These friends have had huge ministries in my family's life...including pre-marital counseling and mentoring. One of the grandchilren leaves behind 2 pre-schoolers and the other one would be going off to college like my oldest. On the homefront, a very respected local theatrical man has graduated to stage lighting of the grandest design as he was called Home Saturday. I learned a lot from him. His wife has demonstrated such a loving testimony of caring by holding his hand day in and day out. He got to go see The Lion King in NY last year through "elder wish." How fun for him. This year, this day, he gets to see the Lion, the King of Kings. His wife will miss his memorial due to being in the hospital. How do we help someone through that? God shows us in the new day.

Meanwhile, here's my ponderings of late: The Contemplation

The Contemplation… of the absence of a person on this earth is one act that remains at once very personal and private. Once it leaves the mind of one, even in a meaningful dialogue, it becomes something different. There are pieces to a relationship that only exist in the full knowing of the two persons in the relationship. While a third person can observe two others in a conversation, perhaps even see the glances of their eyes, they cannot have the same understanding of the messages that pass between the two. I notice, too, that one cannot look into the eyes of more than one person at a time. One can SEE two person’s eyes at the same time, but it must be a gaze that is focused almost inward…like seeing in those odd pictures. What does this mean in regard to our gaze…in contemplation.

We focus on the person gone. We reach with our eyes and heart to see their face, to hear their voice…to remember their touch. Can it be like pieces in luggage? Pieces of personal effects? My mind does not really make sense of the things I am thinking. Packing a suitcase with things for a trip. Each thing with motive and intentionality. Some, of course, shoved in at the last minute, others, folded almost divinely. No one but you knows entirely why you hold the feelings you do about any one certain object.

I can’t imagine trying to figure out what God’s perspective is! In His Divine Creativity, He fashioned you, He fashioned me. His design was for relationship and each uniquely purposed….gifted. If Christ’s death on the cross was for each person, then each person that receives His gift through acknowledging their sin is loved in completeness and entirety. So, does God love one more than another, or does the strength or value of His love exist in the embracing by us of His deep and all-encompassing love?

Do we somehow miss His love because we fear embracing it, or we don’t feel…say….worthy? We aren’t. Our sin makes us unworthy…but it’s not about sin…it’s about love. Scripture tells us “Love must be sincere.” What does that mean? I imagine this verse from Romans 12:9 will leave me contemplating for a long time. Love must be real….is that the gaze we can find in a person’s eyes?

I'm including a poem of sorts which I wrote some time shortly before Michael’s death. In contemplation form, what looks like two people is the gaze of one…unity and oh so symbolic of God’s relationship with us through His Son. [I still haven't figured out how I can indent and set it up like it is written, so I will just use colors where there is an indent or altered style.]

Amazing Gaze
to gaze at the heavens
...that He would want to gaze at me
But He made me
to walk with Him
to talk with Him

I can hear Him now,
"...cherished Beloved
not faint of heart..."

of persecution and suffering
returning to your first love
Living purely, simply with the strength of the Dove
Eagerly listening
ever lifting
hands to the One above

I can hear Him now,
:...cherished Beloved
not faint of heart
focused in purpose..."

Praising Him forever
starting today
Knowing notheing can sever
His love for me

Waiting, until that day
when He extends His hand...
feeling the scar in His palm
Knowing I lived the life He had planned.

I can hear Him now,
"...cherished Beloved
not faint of heart
focused in purpose
content in provision..."

to gaze at the heavens
...that He would want to gaze at us
But He made us
to walk with Him
to talk with Him
to be redeemed by His Son, Jesus

When we stop long enough to contemplate--when we gaze in Jesus' eyes--we rest. Something about our heart settles. I wonder if His gaze is searching for us... 2 Chronicles 16:9 says,"For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His."

In all honesty, I am in a little bit of a depression right now, but I know Who holds my heart and I am grateful. I know Who can hold YOU and help YOU through whatever you are facing. Contemplate with me that He is the one who created the heavens and the earth. Think that is grand enough to help you? You bet it is! Please, let me know if I can ever be of help walking with you through your journey....maybe even just dealing with a question along the way. You are always welcome to share this site if it may help someone you know.

With deep gratitude for Jesus, and you, and hope,

Annie B

P.S. If you like to read, here's a good fiction book: A Letter of Hope by Rayma Dee Jackson She has a brand new book out, too. You can find them on Deadline, by Randy Alcorn is another good one.


At 8:30 PM, Blogger Kimberli J. Brackett said...

What a blessing to read your words, to read your heart, to know that God is using you to touch lives in ways you will never understand until you see Him and Micheal again....thank you for sharing, for opening your heart and your hurts and your soul to glorify the one who made you and love you. I can't wait to meet you someday....God willing!!

kimberli brackett

At 6:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HI sweet Annie.
Just want you to know that, yes, I'm still reading and being encouraged by your blogging and still praying for you and your precious four.

Love you,
Shelly Anderson


Post a Comment

<< Home