Temper

I have a temper. God has tempered it over the years. I ran away Thursday night. Am I proud of that? Was it really that bad? Temper goes two ways:

To temper…calm something that could get out of control
The temper…explosion of feeling

I slammed the front door and screamed. Maybe it was more of a thudded yell or a full-of-confusion sigh. I started running. So what if I only made it a block and a half. It is hard to run and sob at the same time. I hate that in the burst of a feeling I can’t explain the depth of my hurt to my children. They will never fully understand. (in a whisper I hear myself saying,...”but there is One who does…there IS One who does…”) I hear it, but the emotions of the moment keep me from embracing it. I kept walking fast and running in short bursts. I ended up at a dear friend’s house. She didn’t feel well, but she was so present for me.

Thursday and Friday were 2 of my hardest days. I sobbed most of both days.

I could paint a lovely picture of the birds singing outside and the sun warming up the first year blossoms on my potato bush. (It’s a cultivar from my original bush and it never flowered last year.) I could tell you about the flowering mulberries and my pink margarite daisy bush that is stupendous. Even my bromelliad has an amazing flower peeking out of the tube. (Creative, Intelligent God?!)

I could tell you, but I won’t. I love the spring. I was angry. “I don’t want to see the newness. I WANT MY OLD LIFE BACK.” In my mind I went looking for Michael. I could not find him. Along the route to work, any of 6 different ways, the roads are lined with budding trees. At the office I crumbled on the floor. Reflecting back, I somehow muddled through the days…also learning some tough ministry news…but God can work out those situations. I would not want them to feel guilty about their decisions just because I was having a hard day. It's His ministry and He'll do it His way.

This morning I was studying the mountain near us. It gives such fun pictures….Sometimes the top is covered; sometimes the bottom is covered….like problems that you know are deeper than what you see.

Speaking of mountains, I think of volcanoes. My 11 year old says that Yosemite has the potential to send up a geyser that could cover the U.S. because of the pyroclastic flow which is pushed across most of the Continental U.S. by the westerlies. (And how old is he?) Now that you are knee deep in contemplating THAT picture, I’ll attempt to move on.

I don’t advocate blowing up...but at times, especially in grief, we need to express the strong emotions. Even though I know it is normal, I was struck with how my grief was at a different place than my children’s. In trying to be 'less analytical' about my grief I all of a sudden didn't know what it was. My grief was this muddled up burst of emotion... mountain-sized. (Would you like to super-size that? No, it's big enough!)

As I moved through another day and a Women's Ministry workshop, God made His presence so real and profound in my life. The workshop helped many ladies see how God can speak to them in/through His Word. Somehow He brought me from a very deep place to stable ground. I continued to learn through the next couple of days...somehow trying to grasp how to continue through the pain of my loss while embracing the life I have yet to live. Yes, the idea of a long life will always be tempered by the knowledge of a life well-lived that ended, to us, too soon.

Brent Curtis and John Eldredge say in The Sacred Romance, "Denying the tragedy of life requires such effort that it tears the soul apart. Believing that in the end there is only tragedy kills the most tender, "alive" parts of us." I am alive. I have an amazing Saviour that watches over me...even surprises me at times.

I have some more grieving to do, but over time it will be tempered by "...the God of all comfort Who, comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3b-4 I don't want to let my "tragedy" keep me from seeing how big God is and how much He wants people to know Him. Don't get me wrong, the human pain is molten lava at times. It's not easy, but I can say Michael is in a better place. Am I better for it? Perhaps. Have I grown spiritually? Perhaps. I do know for certain that I want to keep learning and listening and watching the work of God.

I remain...tempered...by time and the Truth of God's Word. Thank you for being the comfort of Jesus in my life.

Annie B.