Monday, February 20, 2006

Just Yesterday

Just yesterday.

That's all I was going to write. The phrase kept coming to my mind.

Just yesterday.
A woodworking I get Working Mother. Don't even know how I started receiving it.

Just yesterday.
I stared in those sea blue eyes. I had my first baby...who is graduating...I got the call about my brother...I worshiped at church.

Thank you for yesterday. I want to remember in a big way what you did for me--yesterday.
You wrote me a letter
You took the time to call
I got your Christmas card and you apologized for it being late. But, for me, it was right on time--my only personal piece of mail (aren't you thankful for the consistent credit card companies?!)
I arrived at your house and you welcomed me talk about life...until today.
I met a new friend, Gracie. She moved away last summer and was back visiting. She wanted to see where Pastor Mike taught her AWANA. The room was set up for another type meeting. She read the sign that said something like: "Get healthy, give back"...something like that. She said, "It should say can you give Pastor Mike back?" Matter of fact. Just yesterday.

When we go from yesterday to today we have a change. Perhaps a change of time or location or circumstances. The view from today looks different than yesterday. Maybe not some days in the mind's reality. For me, if I listen to the difference from yesterday to today, I find God has intersected with my life. His comfort is woven into the tough things; whether a shoulder to cry on or a reminder of His presence. His surprises in the laughter when all I want to do is cry. His love which transcends paper money.

No real segue here...when to have time to get on the computer. I don't think it is fair if I share this journey with you and everything is rosey. In the midst of my encounters with the ocean depths of grief I am seeing an amazing God over and over again.

Just yesterday.

...if I could have shared my thoughts with you...I'm doing this Bible study which a lot of people are doing at my church, Fire and Reign. There's a section that addresses our being stewards...not owners. I got angry. I get it. Still chewing. The author included relationships. I don't do so well with relationships. Sure, I'm sore about losing a relationship God gave to me, but there was a change between yesterday and today. I have to process the Word God gives to us today. While I don't think I am possessive of relationships, I also have to ask if I am a good steward. 2 Corinthians chapter 8 talks about giving as an act of grace. Grace comes to us in relationships and it flows out of us because of/in relationships....that is, if we see ourselves as stewards and not owners. I don't really grasp all that I am learning, but I had to let go of that which God entrusted to me for a time....just yesterday.

I'm having trouble sleeping again. I think I shared that with you. There is so much in my mind. I don't want to sleep. Is there some memory, a 'just yesterday', that I am forgetting? I was remembering times at the beach. Walking holding hands, holding new babies, learning to boogie board, watching those babies learn to surf, burying one another in the sand, building castles that melt away in the incoming tide...castles full of dreams and stories...

Rip tides. A tide comes in and out. It changes in intensity because of the moon--fascinating...always predictable...low tide, high tide. Maybe not always so high or so low, but consistently happening....a gentle, regular feeling.

Rip tide--seductive, dangerous; even for the experienced swimmer. The lifeguards warn swimmers to stay away. They mark off the beach. I remember one time getting near one. The force that pulled me felt so beyond me--mean, altering my senses. What I knew as 'up' maybe was not; which way do I swim?

Had to get milk--might as well--I had to drive by the store after dropping off a child at school for a drama work day. Will I hold it together down this isle...pass the easy would that be...better the freezer isle--feeling cold inside. The sign is missing from the milk. I don't want to try to figure out which brand is the "2fer." Get me out of here. Escape down the cereal isle. Foods that Michael liked naturally want to jump in my basket. Go away. Michael would be doing this grocery trip for me or we'd be together and he'd get in a deep conversation with some 2 year old who is "helping" her mommy shop.

Self check is open--more brain work. Computer messed up. I feel messed up. It's light outside and there is snow on the mountain. Mist races down the street like the mist on the waters one might see in a picture. Rip tide. I feel the rip. The tide will subside.

Contrast all the pain...of even the last 3 weeks...with the 'love in action' (grace?) that God is showering on me. I am blown away. Overwhelmed. Why would God love me like this? It feels so personal. (Is?) Some more folks came over to plan a project complete some of my efforts to simplify my life. God placed in the Body all the resources needed to carry out His plan. For 9 months I've asked God how I'm going to get through this...and He showed me yet another way...just yesterday.

Jesus is the same, yesterday, today, and forever. His character is faithful and true.
Faithful like the tide. Consistent like the sun and the moon.

One day at a time,
Annie B.

A lady who mentored me in high school wrote today. Her opening line, "Wasn't it just yesterday that you and Kim..." Yes, just yesterday.


At 9:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seems like "just yesterday" we were sorority sisters in Texas.....doesn't seem possible that 2-+ years have passed!
I do so enjoy connecting with you by reading your musings.....thank you for sharing them with us,
Take care!
Sarah Z.


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