Friday, March 17, 2006

Window Rain

We don’t know whose life we will touch, or, who will touch ours. God does. Michael touched a lot of lives. I meet new people weekly. For me those new introductions fill in parts of the rest of Michael’s story. It is all part of the weaving in God’s delicate and intricate plan. A plan of Amazing Love…Amazing Grace.

I picture myself sitting on my front lawn, leaning back on my arms, drinking in the sunshine, and watching the birds at play in the air. Serenity.

Reality. It’s been a rainy winter. My lawn has various-sized holes all around it due to an eager middle-schooler trying to dig up weeds and please his mom. “Please get the root out. And, you may use a shovel if you need to.” I suppose shovel was the word he heard. The holes have top soil in them now and maybe I’ll find time to go get grass seed.

As I try to comprehend how I have gotten to this 10 month mark without my best friend, I shake my head and realize it is 4 months after the 6 month mark and, well, here I am. My journey in the last couple of weeks has taken me from running away to realizing the passion that God has in pursuing me. The juxtaposition of knowing my children will never understand my pain to the realization that God understands my pain acutely.

A few days ago I was sitting in my car at a stoplight crying. It had been raining and there were remnants of rain on the window glass. It mostly blows off as I drive or darts quickly across the window and then… I stop again. Why would it be raining when it’s sunny and bright right here where I am? A drop of rain decides to gently drift down the side window. It is not readily seen at the side, but very real, very present. It bumps into other drops along the way which slightly alters its course, but alters it nonetheless.

I suppose we can predict the drop of rain will keep moving down the window, but one cannot really track where it will go. It hits the other droplets and is diverted. When I drive on the wind will hit it with a lot of force and then where will it travel? A friend joined me in this reflection and offered that it was kind of like returning home from college on breaks. A lot of things look the same—there is some predictability. But, in reality, few things will ever really be the same. Friends are engaged in new pursuits, others are attending college far away; even the family dynamics are shifted. Predictability. It can be nice.

Could we say God is predictable? I don’t have a complete answer for that one yet, or maybe I don’t want to. I can say things I know for sure. God has been faithful…every minute…every day…every week…yes, and every month. His love has been overwhelming to me…meeting me at the deepest places, connecting me with other people in timely scenarios. He is merciful. When I am at the end of “my” rope, He is the Rock I can stand on…immoveable, unshakeable.

Window rain…the picture of my continued grief co-existing with the reality of my stepping into new territory…new events…new family memories. The reality that the pain will not be predictable, but the Pursuer will be. God chases me with His love every day. He desires for me to know Him better. And His love? David tells us in the Psalms, over and over again, “it endures FOREVER.” Somehow I can see through the glass. I have a peace with where He has me…today.

Forever His,
Annie B.


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