Thursday, August 23, 2007

Underground Railroad

Picture has no tie to blog entry...just thought I should recognize my new college student....born to learn...just in his own way.

Do random thoughts sometimes undermine your sanity? Sometimes I have thoughts that I wish I could ask a few people seated around a table somewhere.

Here is one question:

Do we play life (even Christian life) so loud that we can't hear the music of God's heart?

Here is just another random situation in the life of a widow of 2 years...I realized yesterday that I can make 'being a widow' who I am or I can maintain the perspective of WHOSE I am. Being a widow is just my circumstance. Here's my recent experience...some thoughts...and how our big God showed His involvement in my life.

The roach crawled out from under the (dirty) alarm clock sometime in the night. I hadn't turned out the light because I thought I would read. I had dropped a son off at college and was staying in a expensive hotel nearby. No light came on when I flipped the switch just inside the door. 1st clue...not secure...leave. What looked like burn holes in the comforter....floor unvaccumed...shower ceiling had huge waterstain and a showerhead was made for someone under 4'8". The wall was last painted over some floral wall paper and they ran out of cove base somewhere along their operations. I won't mention the toilet. Sink and shower were clean as well as the linens...but, no coffee pot (even though there was a sign on the back of the door indicating the price of the coffee pot if I wanted to purchase it.)

So, how many of you are already deciding I stayed too long to even notice all the things I did? I was so tired. I cried out to God about whether I was expecting "entitlements" in America. I didn't know if I would get my money back or if I would be more exhausted looking for another hotel. Michael would have taken charge. It's not that I can't...I didn't want to walk out in the dark and drive down to the office. I looked at the clock all night. It really does change numbers. Morning eventually came. I even dreamed about being in a weird hotel...not scary, just bizzare. Oh, the iron worked really well. I thought about buying that...I can never seem to find an iron with steam that actually works. It didn't matter that the ironing board cover had holes.

And one wonders why there was no survey in the room...

I didn't share all this to have a pity's just about how changed circumstances of one's life can affect one's reactions and ability to process a new circumstance. I physically could have changed hotels, but the underground railroad of my thoughts took over and I didn't know the right thing to think or do. I think single women who are traveling need to have a safe guy friend they can call to get input. Is that reasonable? I definitely will approach reservations differently.

Now the good part....I picked up my son for church. He was so excited to have me visit with him. The people were so very friendly...real and loving. It was a day for baptisms...a woman my age, widowed one month before me with 3 kids about the ages of mine. Amazing, God-honoring testimony from each of the family members. I cried through their entire testimonies. Then, in Sunday School, I met a gal working on her Ph.D. regarding women in church leadership/doing leadership development...and whether there is still a male-dominated heirarchy that subtly inhibits women from using the gifts God may have given them in this area. Hopefully I didn't just misrepresent what she is looking at. She is not looking to bash men, but give an honest look at whether the church is missing out on some gifts women have that men also have. I will look forward to conversing with her!

Was God in the hotel room? In my choices? In my (now) tiredness because of not sleeping? Was He there when I lost my cool with my son and had to ask forgiveness?...In the meeting of these ladies at the church? In my 8 hour solo drive back home?

ABSOLUTELY. He's at work in the underground...bringing us through life with a mission that sometimes even we don't understand. There's a lot I don't understand in the book of Isaiah...but there is a lot I do. It will not be pretty in the long run for those who reject His the meantime we have opportunity to jump on the train..."Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; How blessed are all those who long for Him." Isaiah 30:18

Good days, bad days. God is still God. Oh how I long for Him...for Heaven. Maybe we need to bring the railroad above ground and talk about some of these things...

Feeling quirkier than ever but needing and loving God more each day,