Sunday, December 09, 2007

Dog food...Raw meat

I am sharing this journal entry from last month because it shows how we can be "all over the map" in our journey. Even though we have bizarre days in our grief, it does not mean we are not moving forward in our growth/healing. I have another entry to put up in the next couple of days that shows another side. I am getting more used to my routine and this year do more of the school car pooling.
Today is a wonder of a day. Easy, confusing, real, full of emotion. Talking with Pastor D tonight, it is almost as if there are two halves of me. One half is rational and understands all the right Truths and is passionate about them. The other is feeling disconnected from people. Not unloved or uncared for...just separate from. I know I don't need to understand or fix this feeling, but it is hard when the two halves feel so far apart.
A few days ago I thought of the term I've heard, “dark night of the soul.” PD brought the term up tonight. He encouraged me to feel the feelings and let them be what they are. I know there is a lot more writing I could do to process these feelings, but there isn't time or energy. The emotional release is good, but so very tiring.
I know discipleship is important and vital, but I don't want to do it...not out of rebellion or ? ...just need to walk in the fall forest by myself...

Wondering if I am an introvert at heart...and not really an extrovert.

Step by step God will lead me through this season.
How does one respond to people asking how I am? Ask them to pray. In certain instances, let them know there really isn't definition to how I am feeling. For now I must close. I actually typed, “clothes.” It makes me think of buying clothes tonight with my mom who is here from out-of-state. She has a 30% off coupon...and my daughter found some fun clothes in clearance for both of us (I would wear sacks if I didn't have family or friends that were fashionistas in some way)...combine that with mom's coupon...yipee.
Trying on clothes is humbling...sometimes defeating. God wants us to clothe ourselves in certain ways. “Clothe yourselves...” We are so often drawn to just worry about the outside. My personal struggle feels almost paradoxical. I am content with who I am...confident in my God...I see this as the “outside” stuff. It's the inside that bugs me. It's not that I don't want to be real or let people see the's that it is my struggle, not theirs. It is okay. God is at work. How can someone else grow from knowing this struggle that I can't explain?
God, thank you for Your arms of grace...that in the midst of the internal war, I see Your face. No answers to the questions, no lightening of the dark, but a hand to hold on to and the genteel? Intimate? comfort of Your presence.
Undeniably real, undeniably True,
The light of the world, the eyes in our darkness.
Saints of true possession, an inheritance of grand proportion. (see Ephesians chapter 1)

Gotta run. No, gotta sleep.