Identity Theft

Scary. Who are you? Who am I? How we define ourselves can be very personal. May 14th, 2005 I realized it was God in whom I believed, in Whom was my identity. He was there for me. THAT is an identity no one can steal. Satan tries, but he already lost. Said good-bye to another saint today. His wife is a testimony of faithfulness in her gentle care of Charlie for 6 years. They were a team…pretty incredible.

Some days I linger on the question of who I am…for so long I was “one” with another human. Now that identity is captured in memories…and stuff. The stuff gets overwhelming sometimes, but it is kind of a tangible reminder of the essence of the memories…the feelings, the muddy shoes, the box-in-the-attic-from-who-knows-where. I am finding myself wide awake and it is midnight. I’ve been having good dreams and sleeping fairly well. I threw away my wedding bouquet yesterday and a frog that ‘ribbets’ when one passes by. It was quite mute.

I was thankful the stars were visible tonight. There is a storm coming. The stars remind me of God’s order…they’re in the same place tonight. What would people do if tomorrow night all the stars were rearranged? Can you just imagine the conversations? I can just imagine a B.C. comic character up there with an arrow on a figure of a tablet with the words I AM.

Closing in on two years. It hardly seemed possible to make it to the one year mark. At some point I think we (widows/widowers) find ourselves back on the treadmill and screaming to get off sometimes when the waves hit. I had to introduce myself tonight…to someone I thought knew who I was…or who Michael was. Who am I? I was accepted. That is nice. No explanations necessary, but...nevermind. Is this new me okay?

I have a lot to share with you. I have really kept this blog about my grief journey and I am learning about many of yours. God keeps teaching me sooo much. Along the way here in this last year, God did something I didn’t expect, at least so soon. He’s brought a special someone into my life. It wasn’t expected for the gentleman, either. Yes, it takes emotional energy, but it doesn’t fix the journey I will be on for the rest of my life. Having this new friend doesn’t change my identity…it only reminds me in Whom my identity must rest. I am most imperfect and my friend would agree. He is the same…just wanting to know Jesus better.

I don’t know your identity unless you let me know you’re a reader. I hope that allows you to feel safe. This is just my journey, but I do hope in sharing it with you that you see a real person living real life. I really need you in my life. I need to know you miss Michael, too. He was pretty funny. No one can steal his identity. Our youngest laughed at a recent email from the Entertainment Book people, “Michael, for $35 would you come back….” Ha. Priceless moments. Hugs from a middle-schooler…one still searching for his identity.

Knowing Whose I am,
Annie
p.s. please pray for my friend whose husband just walked out and left her and the kids. Pray for the war on this man’s heart.

More or Less

How are you today? Me? More or less okay. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I do know Who my God is. “He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” I have to review truth sometimes…almost moment by moment. Perspective can change in sneaky ways. The enemy is so seductive with the things of our culture…even attitudes…entitlements…expectations…comforts.

I was part of a round table discussion this week on the book “Margins.” It’s about the necessity of building margins into our lives…physically, emotionally, spiritually, and in relation to time. I want to read the book. But I don’t have time. Less. Wish I had MORE. (Someone else facilitated the discussion.)

Is it choices, priorities, necessities? Single parenthood. The have-tos. One of the definitions the author gave regarding margins was the “place between breathing freely and suffocating.” I know this place. How many of us know and walk this place…sometimes without wanting anyone to know. We live on the verge, on the edge. I see it in so many families in this area with high price tags on the houses and one crushing event in their life…

How does one find enough margin in time and still stay connected to people? Email only goes so far. The arms, the face, the eyes. I love my kids more this year than last. Sometimes I struggle with the “less” time with them. But, I am working at spending more time. I’m still working at teaching them to fly and gathering the right assistant coaches. Everyone is busy. Do I have enough margin to help others? Do I model for and encourage my kids to build margin into their lives so they can help others? So many ‘push-me-pull-yous’ in my life/heart.

It is raining. The winter rains have finally arrived now that it is almost spring. I have the blinds closed, but I can feel the grey day. There is a sweetness, though, because the birds are singing a gentle song. Rainy days can be more or less dreary. But, the rain, it can at times be the washing that we need; the gentle flowing of God’s truth and comfort and promises reminding us that the Son still reigns. Today my prayer for you and for me is that His peace that “passes all understanding, will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”

Ready to tackle the day…with More of Him and less of me.
Annie
p.s. I miss you. (Yes, you can read into that a million different ways)

More or Less

How are you today? Me? More or less okay. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I do know Who my God is. “He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” I have to review truth sometimes…almost moment by moment. Perspective can change in sneaky ways. The enemy is so seductive with the things of our culture…even attitudes…entitlements…expectations…comforts.

I was part of a round table discussion this week on the book “Margins.” It’s about the necessity of building margins into our lives…physically, emotionally, spiritually, and in relation to time. I want to read the book. But I don’t have time. Less. Wish I had MORE. (Someone else facilitated the discussion.)

Is it choices, priorities, necessities? Single parenthood. The have-tos. One of the definitions the author gave regarding margins was the “place between breathing freely and suffocating.” I know this place. How many of us know and walk this place…sometimes without wanting anyone to know. We live on the verge, on the edge. I see it in so many families in this area with high price tags on the houses and one crushing event in their life…

How does one find enough margin in time and still stay connected to people? Email only goes so far. The arms, the face, the eyes. I love my kids more this year than last. Sometimes I struggle with the “less” time with them. But, I am working at spending more time. I’m still working at teaching them to fly and gathering the right assistant coaches. Everyone is busy. Do I have enough margin to help others? Do I model for and encourage my kids to build margin into their lives so they can help others? So many ‘push-me-pull-yous’ in my life/heart.

It is raining. The winter rains have finally arrived now that it is almost spring. I have the blinds closed, but I can feel the grey day. There is a sweetness, though, because the birds are singing a gentle song. Rainy days can be more or less dreary. But, the rain, it can at times be the washing that we need; the gentle flowing of God’s truth and comfort and promises reminding us that the Son still reigns. Today my prayer for you and for me is that His peace that “passes all understanding, will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”

Ready to tackle the day…with More of Him and less of me.
Annie
p.s. I miss you. (Yes, you can read into that a million different ways)